Before I begin, I want to apologize for the late post! And it actually made me really happy that some of you messaged me on tumblr asking where the Friday Guest Post was, thank you all for the constant support ❤
Our next blogger is Katie. Although she has a blog of her own, I insisted that she post as a guest blogger as well! She recently graduated with an English degree and is working many freelance jobs at once. Even though I met her when I was in 2nd grade at a piano recital, I didn’t officially become her best friend until 9th grade when we bonded over American Idol. Always one with crazy stories, you can be assured that you’re never bored when you’re talking to her, so let’s see what she has to say!
There’s nothing I hate more than when you’re at a party, refilling your snack plate and minding your own goddamn business, when some charming person says, “I wish I had kept diaries when I was younger. I would have loved to look back at those.”
No. Shut up. No, seriously, you need to trust me on this one.
I’ve kept diaries and writing notebooks off and on since the tender age of seven. I never did any of that soccer nonsense (being the wee spineless nerd that I am), so I was actually rather prolific. There’s an entire cardboard box full of them rotting away under my armchair, and every time I remember it’s there, I cringe. I hate that box with every fiber of my being. Once a year or so, I pull it out, read through some old journals, briefly consider throwing them into a raging fire, and then spend the next week hating myself.
The human brain is a miraculous thing. We can remember the good and forget the bad. We grow into new and better people and shed off our old embarrassments, letting them crumble and disappear into the dust behind us. Well, the lucky ones, at least. Most of you live in blissful ignorance, and will never know how truly stupid you were at the age of thirteen. Well isn’t that just freaking great.
The Washington Post Magazine did a story a few years ago about a comedy show that consisted of women reading their middle school diaries out loud. So I got inspired. I’m going to pull out the box again and see what I find. And it’s going to be horrific. I’m pulling out the gems, the things that made me laugh or cringe the most. Most of the names are bleeped out.
Okay. Buckle your seatbelts. It’s diary excavation time.
The journals are mostly from Claire’s…pink, furry, sparkly things that would disgust the average magical unicorn. The spelling is abysmal and frankly, I have no idea what I’m doing. I’m young enough at this point that most of the embarrassing stuff feels excusable. I was really into getting those Dear America books at the library, where kids in the midst of historical events keep diaries. I definitely thought my journaling was going to be just as important.
January 11, 2003
Today I buyed you. I spent 17 dollers from great uncle Bob on you, a meowing purse, and a ballet magnet.
I bought a purse that MEOWED? That MEOWED??? I don’t remember it so hopefully my mother, having good taste, quickly disposed of it.
January 16, 2003
Today I had an amazing adventure in the 1870’s with [bleep] and [bleep]. I can’t believe where I was! We went walking to the store to trade furs when we fell into a trap miroor. P.S. It snowed today.
I’m 99% sure this is a complete and total lie, unless I had some sort of freak Donna Noble accident. And who cares if it snowed if you just time-traveled??? Priorities, girlfriend.
February 17, 2003
On the 15th day of Febuway we got 2 feet of snow!!! Biggetest snowin my life!!!! Ok anuf of that snow talk. George Bush say he wants war for no reson. It seems that he’s ruleing are contrey!! But thank goodness the wars not in America.
I think I thought writing about my vague awareness of the Iraq War would get me one of those “Dear America” books. Tough luck, kid.
March 15, 2003
Sorry I had not written in you for a long time. Well people are still yelling at the pesident. I have never had a war in my life. Today I discovered that nature is kind of magic somehow but I don’t know why? I wonder how this war will be like if there is one. You know direy, I just think kind of like a time machine.
March 31, 2003
We went to the tree house today. We were wisked to the cival war. Me nor Mary knew what to do. Mogan said to come back on Thursday. Anuf time to recover. Wethur-flurries.
Who the frick are Mary and Mogan? Why do I keep time traveling? Why was second grade me full of insane lies about time travel?
May 15, 2004
I have a big secret. The secret is that there is some peeling paint in the bathroom that looks like a face and sometimes I talk to it.
I’m not even going to comment on that one.
May 22, 1904
This week I am basket carrier. Noone was bring except me. I asked Krissy where she was going to see if there were snacks. Steven walked by me and said I know your pin number. Was he talking to me or not. It feels like he’s trying to get information about me.
Who is Steven? Why did he know my pin number? More importantly, how did I get to 1904?
(in brother’s handwriting)
I never knew farting could be so much fun. I have a crush on a funky toilet.
He has not matured much since then, actually. He could have scribbled that in yesterday, for all I know. At least he’s figured out how to spell “diary” unlike me, apparently.
March 19, 2005
This is a dream I had about Harry Potter:
Harry, Ron, and Hermione were sitting in the Griffindor common room. Suddenly, Percy the Perfect burst in. “Quick! First and Second years back to your home dormitories!” he yelled. “The rest of you, come with me.” A series of yells come from them.
“I’ll never fish Herboly homework by Monday!” Hermione yelled.
Ron was panting. “Percy, what’s wrong?” “You’ll see soon enough,” Percy said.
“Don’t listen to him,” Malfoy sneered at Crabbe and Goyle. “He’s a Griffindor, Weasley, and Head Boy. That is three bad things!!!”
Harry was ready to punch Malfoy, but he kept it in. Suddenly, a house elf much like Dobby popped into the air. More followed him. They were all blowing up like balloons. A bunch of house-elf balloons. We threw sharpened pencils at them so they would pop. It was Percy’s idea.
I’m pretty sure S.P.E.W. would have a problem with this.
January 18, 2006
Yesterday our school got a slurpee machine (blue raspberry, sour apple, and cherry). The staff want us to call them fruit smoothies instead, because parents think slurpies are really unhealthy. I’m still going to call them slurpies! They ARE slurpies! Is the staff lying to make money? Is this legal?
The political activism started here, I guess.
The diaries are still hideous. One has a dog on a surfboard. The rest are fairly cheap ones from the dollar section at Michaels. My spelling has improved. I am still a bit of a moron. Stuff gets very Lizzie McGuire at times. The TV show era obviously, not the movie where she gets famous. I was more “WE WANT A BRA” than Italian pop star.
December 11, 2006
Edward found a dead bird on the playground today. Everyone says there’s something called bird flu that’s going to wipe out three million people. We might not go to school for a few years to hide from the germs.
It is really obvious that [bleep] likes me. He got really close to me and just said hi. He got closer and closer and I got farther and farther. Today he asked me if his nose was red, and then whispered “cappuccino latte” in my ear. I’m scared.
Too bad those three years off school never happened. That kid in high school turned out okay. He’s perfectly fine and normal now, I believe.
March 15th, 2007
Today is the Ides of March, which we learned about in social studies. Bad things are supposed to happen and Julius Caesar got stabbed. [bleep] was really mean to me at [bleeps] birthday. It was just like the ides of march!!!
[This is followed with a terrible illustration of said mean girl and I in togas. She is leaning over me with a knife while I say “Et tu, Brute!” and await my impending death.]
March 17, 2007
Today we found out [bleep] doesn’t read his 20 minutes a day but his Mom still signs his reading log! I don’t think I can like him anymore.
This was a real deal breaker, apparently.
March 31, 2007
“This had to be it, the recipe for a hallucination-adrenaline plus danger plus stupidity. Something close to that anyway.” –Stephanie Meyer, New Moon
Me and [bleep 1] conferred with [bleep 2] and decided to meet after school to do our plan. [bleep 2] put in the locker combo and it clicked. The inside was a mess. Me and [bleep 2] began rummaging through the locker, while [bleep 1] looked down the vacant hallways. I looked at [bleep1]. Her face was frozen in terror. Then we all knew our lives were about to go tumbling down.
Locker drama preceded by a Twilight quote? Has anything more Middle School ever been written?
April 7, 2007
Maybe when I’m sixteen I’ll try out for American Idol. I’m too shy to sing though. Maybe I’ll be a songwriter. I want David Archuleta to win. He’s talented, cute, and his songs make everyone cry with happiness!!!
Yeah, that didn’t happen.
April 15, 2007
You will NOT BELIEVE THIS. [bleep] and [bleep] SKIPPED CLASS. They weren’t in Orchestra! On the last day of school they are going to skip the entire day!!! What’s next, drugs?
Knew both of these girls in high school, can confirm neither are drug kingpins. All is well.
Okay, I’m sealing up the box again. It wasn’t as bad as I thought. I learned some things. I was either a time traveler or a terrible liar. I used to talk to a bit of peeling paint on the bathroom wall when I got lonely. I broke into someone’s locker. And I hadn’t the faintest idea of how weird it all was when I was writing it down.
I’m still writing, and I probably always will be. It’s part of who I am and frankly, I don’t know how not to. Maybe when I’m fifty this blog post will get a part two, and I’ll look back on what I wrote yesterday and laugh.
But for now, I’ll keep on being oblivious to all my weirdness. Write on, friends.
If you enjoyed this blog and want to hear more about her strange childhood, then follow Katie!! If you are interested in being a guest blogger in the future, email me at email@example.com. Happy Friday!